The Winds of Innocence

A True Story by ed riley copyright 2002

Yesterday, Nov. 30, 2002, was a day to remember and a day to forget. It was a day to remember, because every reason I continue to coach little ones came rushing back to me. Kids have a willingness to learn, a smile that is irrestible when they do something right, they are the most determined humans on the planet, they tend to do exactly what you ask them to do, and sometimes more. Sometimes a lot more! It's the more that you sometimes want to forget.

My partner's 5th grade team from our basketball academy was playing in a select tournament at a local college campus. Were we select? No, but you get better by playing the best. Our kids can dribble the ball better than most, but we hadn't taught them defense, blocking out, or passing yet. The outcome of the game was a foregone conclusion, we lost 50 to 2.

When we walked on the court we knew we were doomed. Their average player was 5'3" or taller. Our average player was 4'8", that's a 7" difference. Their average player weighed 110 pounds. Our average player was maybe 75 pounds, soaking wet. Do the math, we were doomed.

Now I'll give my partner credit, he was there to have fun, as was his team. I stood at the far end of the bench. My role was to give individual advice to players throughout the game. So there's the background.

Of course their tallest girl took the tip-off. She stood still and tipped the ball to a teammate. Our girl jumped as high as she could, and maybe could have touched the other girl's shoulder. The game began.

After they made their tip-off lay-up, we took the ball out of bounds. Our inbounder, Oakley, surveyed the court and what did she see? The other team was set up in a full court 2-1-2 trapping zone defense. Of course she didn't know what type of defense they were in, she just saw a wall of giants glaring at her. Did that stop her from throwing it in? No, she decided to baseball pass it over the wall of giants to her teammates, who had forgotten to help get the ball in bounds.

Have you ever seen a 4'8" girl try to throw a baseball pass? It looked like this, she rared back as far as her little arm would let her and brought the ball forward with all the strength she possessed in her whole entire body. Of course, at the last second her release was just a little bit off, and the ball slid off her fingers. It went gently thru the air about 4 feet and stopped at the feet of the nearest defender. This girl casually picked up the ball and almost proceeded to dunk the ball. Well, it must have seemed that way to our 4'8" player anyway.

After the 1st minute, my partner called a time out. The score after 1 minute, 6 to zip! He told them how to position themselves to help get the ball in and sent them back out onto the court.

Oakley took the ball for the inbounds pass and again, surveyed the court. There were her 4 teammates in the exact right spot waiting for the pass, life was good. Then the defense took the court and they had switched to a full court m-2-m defense, so every one of Oakley's teammates were covered. None of her teammates moved to get open. But they sure were good at standing in the exact spot their coach had told them to stand in. There was no one open to throw the ball to.

This didn't stop our undaunted hero. Oakley rared back even farther than before and let another baseball pass rip through the air. This time it landed about 6" further than the 1st one. The defender nonchalantly picked up the ball and with one dribble seemed to do a 360 in the air and stuffed it home. Actually, she did a 2 foot layup, but perception is reality to a 4'8"er.

Thank God for the running clock and 16 minute halves. At the end of the half it was 26 to Zip!

An analysis of the 1st half? If the other team didn't make a layup, they were horrible. They couldn't shoot. It took them 6-10 tries to make a basket. The thing is, when there's that type of height difference, they got 10 rebounds for every 1 we got. So they'd miss, they'd rebound, they's miss again, they'd rebound. This continued on until somehow the ball would find the hole and go in.

The second half was a repeat of the first. With 5 minutes to go, we were down 42 to Zip. I asked my partner if I could call a timeout and talk to the team. So that's what we did.

Now I have this semi-infamous butt speech I give my girls. I t goes something like this.

"Ladies, do you know why God gave you butts?" This always makes kids giggle because they aren't quite sure if I used a bad word. They do listen from then on, just in case I say something else interesting. It's a great attention getter.

"Ladies, God gave you butts for basketball. Butts are for moving people away from the basket." I then chose the biggest girl on our team, who was 4'10", and showed them how to move a player with your butt.

"Now," I continued on. "I want to see you move your players away from the basket with those butts of yours. Do you ladies believe in bribery?" You could see the blank looks on all of their faces, except Oakley's.

"I believe in being bribed, " Oakley responded. Once she said that the others girls got it.

"OK, so here's the deal. Anyone who can move their player 2 feet with their butt, gets a Ted Drews Frozen Custard. And anyone who makes a basket gets another one."

In case you didn't know it, I'm a staunch Republican who is a major believer in Capitalism. I believe in BRIBING kids.

The horn blew and the girls took the court. The next 4 minutes was hilarious. All you saw were 5 girls bent over sticking their butts into whoever was close to them. Sometimes they were trying to move a teammate with their butt, until they realized who they were butting. It didn't matter who had the ball, all you could see were butts.

With 30 seconds to go, Oakley had the ball about 5 feet from our basket. Even though she was dribbling, there was her butt, stuck right in her defender's kneecaps. A hush fell over the gym because this was the closest we had been to the basket all game long. Even the other team's parents wanted us to score.

So there was Oakley, bent over and trying to push Goliath back with her butt. Determination was written all over her because come hell or high water, she wanted her Frozen Custard! So Oakley dribbled and pushed and pushed and pushed and .........

Out came the loudest squealing fart you have ever heard. With the gym as silent as a church mouse, Oakley had ripped one that seemed to shake the gym to it's foundations. Oakley had let loose right on the other player's kneecaps. The other player quickly backed away holding her nose. Oakley did a crossover from left to right hand, spun to the basket and made a lay-up with 5 seconds to go. The ball went in and a moment later the horn went off.

Our parents went bonkers! Between the laughter and the cheers for our only points scored, the noise was deafening. In our post game team meeting we congratulated the girls for showing their true character. Never once had they given up. They had played with all the heart and energy they possessed. At the end of the meeting, Oakley smiled and raised her hand.

"You can use your butt for more than pushing someone, Mr. Riley! And you owe me 2 Ted Drews. I told you, I BELIEVE IN BRIBERY!" And that was all Oakley had to say.