Hidden Play, Whining Slug

by ed riley copyright 2002

This is a story that I heard about from another coach. I have added to the story and here is the finished product. Thanks to whoever suggested it in the first place.

Once upon a time there was a basketball coach. He wasn't tall and he wasn't short. He wasn't exactly bald, but he didn't have a full head of hair either. He wasn't ugly, but he wasn't someone you would want to adorn the cover of a gothic romance novel either. What was he? He was sort of non-descript. He was forgettable looking. He was that average face in the crowd. He was just like you and me, and the rest of the world. This was Coach Cheesy, or CC!

Now CC had one very annoying habit, he was a very loud whiner. He would whine about every foul, travel, charge, whatever he coulod whine about! He would whine about the other team and the refs. He would whine to his own players about their own play. He was a combination of Barney Fife meets John McEnroe meets Sally Struthers.

CC could wear out a woodpecker with his whining. And when he whined, his voice would crack like a teenage boy going through puberty. Give me nails on a chalkboard any day!

CC may have been the biggest hearted person on the planet, but no one would get close enough to him for long enough to be able to tell. With all of his whining, he made you mad just to be near him.

It was my great misfortune to be in the same league with him last year. Not only did we have to play against his team, but the league had us play each other twice.

The first time we played him was more than I could take. He whined about every call and non-call by the refs. He whined about his players. He whined about my players. He whined that the scorekeeepers had to be wrong. By the end of the first half my team and I were ready to forfeit, just to get away from him.

Three weeks later we had to play him again, so the week before the 2nd game, my team and I prepared for him. We came up with new plays and a new gameplan. By gameday, we were ready for CC.

Within the first minute of the game, CC had already started in on the refs. My team had the ball and I called out the play, "UP YOURS!" I yelled it out as I stared at CC. Immediately CC was on ther refs.

"Did you heeeeaaaarrrr what he said?" whined CC. "He can't yell that! What are you going to dooo about it, huh? What arrrr you going to do?"

The ref called time and walked over to me. He knew me so he was smiling. "OK, Riley! What did you yell at Mr. Cheese?" He called CC, Mr. Cheese, because he once asked him if he wanted a little cheese with his whine!

"I simply yelled out 'Up Yours!'" I calmly replied!

"Listen," said the ref. "If I can't tell him that neither can you. So tell me why I don't give you a technical right now" He was smiling as he said this.

I asked one of my players for her play book and the very 1st play in the book was titled, you guessed it, "UP YOURS!" The ref lost it. He laughed till tears ran down his face. Finally he just waived OK.

The ref blew his whistle and signaled for the game to continue. Well, this set off CC. He was screaming and holding his head and giving the ref what for. Finally the ref blew his whistle and yelled for me to get my playbook. He walked CC to halfcourt and had me show him my playbook and the play titled "Up Yours."

I looked at the ref with all the sincerity I could muster up and said, "You know this isn't fair. He can look at our play and now he'll know how to defend against it!"

The ref looked at me like I was totally bonkers and then started laughing again. It was all he could do to shut the playbook so CC couldn't memorize it.

The whole time CC was still protesting the whole thing. His voice must have cracked 2 or 3 times with every sentence he stuttered out. The ref directed CC back to his bench then walked over to the other referee. They talked for a moment and then the other ref's whole body started shaking as he tried to contain his laughter.

Once they had regained their composure, the refs started the game again. Five minutes later we were winning by 8. This had to be the longest 5 minutes in history for those refs, because CC never let up. He whined about the play, their calls, the game, and everything he could think of. I waited for CC to let loose with a loud whine and I struck again.

"Whining Slug!" I screamed when my team got the ball. I made sure I was staring directly at CC when I screamed it. CC jumped out of his chair as if a lightning bolt had struck him.

"Did you hear what he called me?," he screamed at the ref, as his voice cracked on the me. "He cccccan't ccccall me names!"

The ref stopped the game and walked to my bench. "What?" I asked.

"What? Is that all you have to say?" asked the ref. "Listen," he said under his breath, "I don't like this guy either, but you can't call him names."

I signaled to one of my players and she brought her playbook. The 2nd play in there was, you got it, "Whining Slug!" The ref had to put his hands on his knees to steady himself as the laughing attack hit. After he regrouped, he whispered, "I hope you have more of those cause this is going to be a fun game!" I just smiled and he chuckled again.

The ref went over and explained it to his partner and they both had a hard time containing themselves as they explained it to CC. CC went ballistic! He was screaming, stuttering, then screaming again.

Finally CC asked to see the rest of the playbook to see what else was coming, but the refs told him that would give his team an unfair advantage and he couldn't see the rest of my playbook.

During the rest of the first half first, the refs had to stop the game twice when I yelled out my plays, "Cry Baby!" and "Loser!" By now my team, their parents and friends, and even CC's teams were enjoying the show.

At the half the refs came over and asked if I had any more. I just smiled and asked, "Any more what?" They just shook their heads and walked away chuckling.

The 2nd half was more of the same. We introduced CC and his team to our newest plays, named: "Cheese With Your Whine?", "Shedd Upp!", "Loud Turd", "Take It Like a Man", and a few more choice ones.

By the end of the game, CC had screamed so much he had lost his voice. One of the refs had called a time out so he could sit down, he was so weak from laughing. Even CC's team and their parents had obviously enjoyed the show because you could see them covering their mouths to hide the laughter.

I don't know that Coach Cheesy ever took the hint, but let me ask you this. Didn't I do what everyone would do for a friend? If one of your friends had an annoying bad habit, wouldn't you let them know, as a friend? Isn't that all I did? What? Oh, I'm not supposed to do it in public and embarass them, huh? I knew I forgot something, must be that ole fart's disease creeping up on me!