Shaun, The Sneaky Baller's MVP Day

by Ed Riley copyright 2004

I'm sitting in my house
On a rainy ole day,
Tonight's basketball game
Is 2 hours away.

I've tried calling my friends
But nobody's home,
There's no one at all
I can call on the phone.


I've got nothing to do
I'm so totally bored,
My Mom left the house
And is visiting next door.

But wait, what's that smell
Coming from downstairs,
And me being so hungry
I could eat a whole bear.

My nose tells me beans
And nose is never wrong,
I smell brown sugar
They are playing my song!

Baked beans are good
With some bacon on top,
Brown sugar all over
I could eat till I drop!

So I ran down the stairs
Found the beans were still hot,
Simmering away
In our largest of pots.

I knew that I'd found
My Heavenly Bliss,
The pot of beans was so large
That none would be missed.

So I grabbed a big spoon
And ate all that I could,
I smiled a big smile
Cause the beans were so good!

Five minutes later
When I knew I was done,
I washed the spoon off
Boy that was fun!

Now I looked at the clock
An hour to get dressed,
I looked the kitchen over
And cleaned up my mess.

I went back upstairs
Checked my basketball clothes,
Laid down on my bed
For a really quick doze.

A few minutes later
I awoke with a pain,
My stomach was churning
Like a broke water main.

From downstairs I heard
"Come on, let's ride"
But the way that I felt
I just wanted to hide.

My stomach was churning
I had eaten too much,
I felt my own forehead
It was hot to the touch.

God, I was sick
Sure was good going down,
But now the beans sat there
They were wearing a frown!

I had to get up
I had a game I must play,
For this after all
Was our championship day.

I thanked God for shorts
With elastic waistbands,
Then donned my top
With the shakiest of hands.

I took some Tums
Looking for relief,
My stomach now talked to me
It was giving me grief.

Out the door I went
And climbed into the car,
Thanking my Lord
The gym wasn't far.

My Mom drove me there
Seemed she hit every bump,
And that made me feel
Like taking a dump!

We made it there
And I silently smiled,
Cause the Tums had kicked in
At least for a while.

During the pre-game warmups
I started to feel GOOD,
I could run and jump
And shoot like I should.

I got the tip
On the opening jump ball,
I was feeling good
Feeling so feet tall.

I took a shot
Like I always shoot,
When out came the sound
A miniature toot.

I looked around
To see if anyone'd heard,
That sqeaky lil sound
Like the chirp of a bird!

But the game had gone on
Without a hitch,
I started to think
my butt needed stitched.

Coach called a timeout
We ran to the bench,
My stomach was growling
Something to me in French.

First it went Grrrrr
Then it went "Yelp"
I bent over in pain
Ready for help!

As we huddled around Coach
I was afraid of a medley,
Of really loud gushies
Or the silent but deadly!

With our hands in the middle
We were all yelling "TEAM",
When out came a gushie
But it wasn't a stream.

Our loud team cheer
Had covered the sound,
That had snuck out my tush
Like the yelp of a hound.

I took the ball out
Then I threw the ball in,
As I stepped in bounds
Out came the wind.

I ran down the court
Like an ole nanny goat,
Followed by a fleet
Of loud motorboats.

When I ran to the left
I'd rip one with ease,
Dear God let it stop
I'm begging you please!

It's true that baked beans
Are the musical fruit,
Cause everytime I moved
Out came a toot!

I was close to the basket
And reached in for a pass,
My defender slacked off
When I let loose with gas!

So I took the shot
And the ball went in,
My body had found
A new way to win!

When we had the ball
I'd position myself,
I'd clap for the ball
Like a mischievious elf.

When the ball came my way
I'd open my cheeks,
And out'd come the cheese
In a series of squeeks.

Whenever this happened
My defender'd back off,
The stench got so bad
It made her cough!

First her eyes watered
Then she would gag,
Then she'd go limp
Like an ole dish rag.

A big one ripped out
And created a fog,
Like San Fransisco
In a really bad smog.

By the time it was over
I'd stunk up the joint,
But the good news was
I'd scored 20 points.

Now before every game
I have a request,
Something special to eat
Beans are the best!

One last thing
That I've just got to say,
I was MVP
On that championship day!